Patti sent this bit of email my way. I’m unaware of who the author is, as it’s one of those “forwarded on the net” bits. But I thought it was amusing enough to post.
Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal:
- Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
- Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
- Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
- Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
- Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
- Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
- Children can never suceed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
- Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “seperate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Seperate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as seperate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
IMPORTANT Note: If this post pisses you off, make sure you’re pissed off for the right reasons. It’s a humor piece. Specifically, it is SATIRE. If you do not know what satire is, please look up the word before continuing. If you don’t realize that this post was not written by someone against gays, then there is little hope for you and you should probably go ahead and send me a comment like the other numbskulls who misunderstood. Make sure to include spelling errors and bile. You can look up “bile” in the dictionary, but I am talking about the metaphorical kind.
If the post still pisses you off (or it didn’t before and now it does) feel free to check out the rest of the weblog. I have plenty of other opinions that will piss you off, don’t neglect them! If you’d like to say something, check all the comments first. If you’re bored enough to read this, your bored enough to read the comments.
[COMMENTS UPDATE: For bandwidth and sanity I have had to do some housekeeping on the comments. I’ve moved the first 150 comments off into three files of 50 comments each, and then put the remainder in a 4th file (see the links below).]
Also comments are now closed on this post. But you can still continue to participate by checking out the latest posts. Comments are still open on more recent entries.
[UPDATE: The GatorGSA has claimed authorship of this list, and I’m happy to provide a link to the version on their website.]Posted by James at February 23, 2004 12:32 PM