February 23, 2004

Top Twelve Reasons Against Gay Marriage

Patti sent this bit of email my way. I’m unaware of who the author is, as it’s one of those “forwarded on the net” bits. But I thought it was amusing enough to post.

Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal:

  1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
  2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
  3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
  4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
  5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
  6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
  7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
  8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
  9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
  10. Children can never suceed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
  11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
  12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “seperate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Seperate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as seperate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

IMPORTANT Note: If this post pisses you off, make sure you’re pissed off for the right reasons. It’s a humor piece. Specifically, it is SATIRE. If you do not know what satire is, please look up the word before continuing. If you don’t realize that this post was not written by someone against gays, then there is little hope for you and you should probably go ahead and send me a comment like the other numbskulls who misunderstood. Make sure to include spelling errors and bile. You can look up “bile” in the dictionary, but I am talking about the metaphorical kind.

If the post still pisses you off (or it didn’t before and now it does) feel free to check out the rest of the weblog. I have plenty of other opinions that will piss you off, don’t neglect them! If you’d like to say something, check all the comments first. If you’re bored enough to read this, your bored enough to read the comments.

Go to the top of the weblog now.

[COMMENTS UPDATE: For bandwidth and sanity I have had to do some housekeeping on the comments. I’ve moved the first 150 comments off into three files of 50 comments each, and then put the remainder in a 4th file (see the links below).]

Also comments are now closed on this post. But you can still continue to participate by checking out the latest posts. Comments are still open on more recent entries.

[UPDATE: The GatorGSA has claimed authorship of this list, and I’m happy to provide a link to the version on their website.]

Posted by James at February 23, 2004 12:32 PM
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Comments

Hey, all. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

The total number of comments in this thread is rocketing toward 200, including the posts I moved to archive (see above).

It's clear why this thread is getting so many hits. It is the top Google hit when you search for reasons against gay marriage or just against gay marriage. This means that people searching for "reasons against gay marriage" are going to find this page.

This comment thread is not, technically, about gay marriage. It's specifically about the "12 reasons" humor post, which is, in turn about gay marriage. Little of the discussion has pertained to the post itself. But circumstances have brought us the discussion chronicled here. It is a discussion ill-suited to a weblog comments section, and the bandwidth is getting huge. Therefore, I am closing the comments on this entry.

Reader, if you are in a "comment-contributing mood," I have given you a number of options.

1) You may go to the main page of the weblog and find another post to comment on. Please keep your comment on the topic of that post.

2) If you feel the need to argue with the other readers about gay marriage, there is a Yahoo Discussion Group for discussion with other Aces Full of Links readers. Posting a message to the Aces Full of Links Yahoo Group is easy. Just send an email to acesfull@yahoogroups.com. You can http://groups.yahoo.com/group/acesfull/ ">visit the main page of the group here to read the messages that are already posted.

You will get noticed if you post to the Yahoo Group, and the readers here will likely engage you in conversation/argument/whatnot if you say something especially worthy of a response. Here's more info on our Yahoo Group.

3) If you merely want to contact me, you may do so via the "Contact Me" page of Aces Full of Links. An email will be sent to me.

4) You can post a comment on your own weblog and ping this entry with a trackback.

5) There is a lively discussion on Gay Marriage taking place on EA Forums. EAForums is has a pretty diverse membership, though it leans slightly liberal these days. There are intelligent folks on all sides of the issues. You can read the discussion there, or join.

So, take one of the options above, or the everpresent Nth option. You can just sit there and stew. But it is more healthy to vent.

Posted by: James (DrM) at March 13, 2004 2:12 PM

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