August 11, 2004

Kerry: Lifesaving So-and-So

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AFOL) - Chic Hecht, Republican former Senator of Nevada thanks his lucky stars for Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts.

On July 12, 1988, a piece of apple lodged firmly in Hecht’s throat. Despite the help of some of his Republican colleagues, Hecht quickly lost consciousness.

Just then, Kerry spotted him and rushed to Hecht’s side to perform the Heimlich maneuver. After four attempts, the apple dislodged and Hecht’s life was saved.

However, a group calling itself Useless Heimlich Watchers For Truth claim that Kerry and Hecht are lying about the incident. Mr. Tea Cosi, a rabid right-wing bigot who ghost writes for the group reported that, although he wasn’t there, Kerry must be lying.

“He must be lying,” Cosi said.

Cosi’s addled but stout companion John O’Ninny, said he was in the same building somewhere a few days after the incident and so he knows firsthand that Kerry is lying.

“Kerry is lying,” O’Ninny said.

When pressed for details, O’Ninny said “Well, I’m still waiting for the Republican’s check to clear but I guess I can fill you in. Kerry actually put the apple chunk in Hecht’s windpipe. Jammed it in there good. I have people who will say that on camera. We had to ply them with hookers, but they’ll talk. As soon as the check clears, you understand. More hookers equals more details.”

Indeed, when pressed, O’Ninny was able to trot out a number of bitter men who were willing to contradict documented facts.

“Kerry grew the apple that choked Hecht,” one said.

“Kerry was waiting in the hallway, just hoping Hecht would choke so he could deliver the maneuver,” another said.

“Kerry was actually not trying to save Hecht. He was dry-humping the guy. And he looks French. Can I have my hooker now?” exclaimed another, who was indignant, but not completely sober.

“Kerry wasn’t even in the building,” one fellow was certain. “And what’s with taking four tries to save the guy? Lame.”

“My dear fellow!” one man began “Why, Kerry stabbed Hecht and left him for dead. Make sure you get that down,” he said as he adjusted his hat and squinted at a wastebasket. He then rapped at the wastebasket repeatedly and insisted “Spell my name right. It’s M-A-G-O-O, good sir.”

When asked why the people who were actually there would lie about the incident over so many years, O’Ninny had some insight. “Well, if it’s working for them anything like it’s working for us, they’ve been paid off by a large political party.

This bit inspired by this story and, of course, the Swift Boat Republicans for Bush Falsehoods.

And, yes, that selfish so-and-so Kerry really did give Hecht the Heimlich in a cross-partisan life-saving maneuver. Hecht and his wife now call Kerry every year to recount the year’s events in their lives together, made possible by Kerry’s quick thinking and decisive actions.

Thinking and acting. Refreshing.

Posted by James at August 11, 2004 11:27 PM
Create Social Bookmark Links

After I wrote this, I looked around and found that at least a couple other people were making the same (apparently obvious) joke. Though I am the only one who worked in a Magoo angle.

You've gotta have the Magoo.

Anyhow, what's with Kerry saving people's lives? Why does he hate death so much? What is he hiding?

Posted by: James at August 12, 2004 1:24 AM

He hates death because of its freedoms.

Posted by: Julie at August 12, 2004 9:27 AM

Well, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, so maybe that's it. But have you ever considered the reverse... SLAVERY IS FREEDOM?

J.P. O'Brien

Posted by: James at August 12, 2004 9:32 AM

That's heavy, man.

Posted by: Julie at August 12, 2004 9:52 AM

(Several weeks ago I first learned of Sen. Kerry saving Sen. Hecht's life in 1988. I like your take-off on how the Republicans would likely even refute that this happened. Anyway, I thought I'd add my two cents worth with a suggestion for an ad the Kerry campaign might run. I especially like the part of the hamster Kerry saved)

John Kerry Campaign Commercial

(opening sequence)
Film footage of George W. Bush sitting in classroom on 9/11. In the upper-right hand corner of screen a stopwatch begins ticking off the seconds.

(Second scene)

Rassmann, the soldier whose life Kerry saved in Vietnam says something like, "I have never seen a more welcome sight than Lt. John Kerry reaching down to pull me to safety aboard his swift boat while we were under enemy fire in Vietnam. I owe my life to John Kerry."

(Third scene)

Bush in classroom on 9/11 with stopwatch (showing just past 2 minutes) still ticking off the seconds (tick, tick, tick sound like on "60 Minutes") as a voice-over states: "When every second counts, Americans can count on John Kerry."

(Fourth scene)

A cuddly, squeaky-voiced hamster states, "When my cage fell off the dock into the water, John Kerry jumped in and rescued me. I owe my life to John Kerry."

(Fifth scene)

Bush still sitting in classroom on 9/11 with stopwatch (showing past 4 minutes) ticking off the seconds as voice again states, "When every second counts, Americans can count on John Kerry."

(Sixth scene)

Sen. John Kerry saved the life of Sen. Chic Hecht of Nevada in 1988. Either Sen. Hecht (a Republican) or a member of his family might be willing to appear in this commercial. One might say, "When my dad almost choked to death on a piece of apple lodged in his throat in 1988, Sen. John Kerry rushed to my dad's aid, performed the Heimlich manuever on him four times and got my dad breathing again. Thank you Sen. Kerry. Our family owes the last 16 years of our dad's life to you."

(Seventh scene)

Bush still sitting in classroom on 9/11. Stopwatch still ticking away as the time approaches 7 minutes. And for a final time, a voice solemnly states, "When every second counts, Americans can count on John Kerry."

---A possible eighth sequence to close the commercial could be a collage of photos of John Kerry as a young lieutenant as well as a U.S. senator, with the statement on the screen, "When every second counts, Americans can count on John Kerry."---

I just thought I'd send along this idea since the theme so clearly illustrates the difference between John Kerry and George W. Bush, especially when facing life-threatening, crisis situations where literally "every second counts."

Posted by: at August 25, 2004 6:20 AM

Copyright © 1999-2007 James P. Burke. All Rights Reserved