September 2, 2004

Arnold Quotes That Should Have Been

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said this in his speech to the Republicans:

Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called “True Lies.” It’s what the Democrats should have called their convention.

We thought he should have gone down his long list of films and come up with something to say about each one. Ryan and I have done the work for him. Here are the possibilities.

  • …one of my movies was called “Around the World in 80 Days.” We should send the military around the world and dominate the globe in 80 days!
  • …one of my movies was called “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.” Now we’re going to have election 2004, Rise of the Electronic Voting Machines!
  • …one of my movies was called “Collateral Damage .” That’s what the Democrats will be after this election. And the environment four years after that!
  • …one of my movies was called “Dr. Dolittle 2.” We should call John Kerry “Dr. Doo-doo!
  • …one of my movies was called “The 6th Day.” Let’s not get into cloning or stem cell research, Ya?
  • …one of my movies was called “End of Days.” Four more years of Bush and we can have the End of Gays!
  • …one of my movies was called “Batman and Robin.” I heard John Kerry likes to wear outfits with fake nipples. And so does John Edwards. So there!
  • …one of my movies was called “Jingle All the Way.” We will jingle all the way to the White House… again!
  • …one of my movies was called “Eraser.” It’s time we erased John Kerry’s military heroics!
  • …one of my movies was called “Junior.” George Bush junior will be birthed from the uterus of our nation! Yeargh!
  • …one of my movies was called “Last Action Hero.” Let’s put aside questions about Bush’s wherabouts as a member of the Guard. He will always be our Lost Action Hero!
  • …one of my movies was called “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” If we can’t get the people to vote for Bush, at least we can get the Supreme Court Judges!
  • …one of my movies was called “Kindergarten Cop.” I have something to say to Democrats. Bush is not a tumor!
  • …one of my movies was called “Total Recall.” See you at the party, John!
  • …one of my movies was called “Twins.” John Kerry and Osama Bin Laden were separated at birth!
  • …one of my movies was called “Red Heat.” If Kerry is elected, the communists will have won!
  • …one of my movies was called “The Running Man.” Now John Kerry is a running little girly man!
  • …one of my movies was called “Predator .” John Kerry, you’re predatorized! Yeargh!
  • …one of my movies was called “Raw Deal.” If John Kerry is elected, rich people will get a raw deal!
  • …one of my movies was called “Commando.” John Kerry is unfit to Commando. I heard that somewhere.
  • …one of my movies was called “Red Sonja.” John Kerry’s ketchup-making wife is Red Theresa!
  • …one of my movies was called “Terminator.” Kerry wanted to terminate the Vietnam war. What’s up with that?
  • …one of my movies was called “Conan the Destroyer.” Kerry voted against destroyers! And he wants the military to fight in the nude!
  • …one of my movies was called “Conan the Barbarian.” John Kerry looks French, like the Coneheads, which kinda sounds like “Conan.” Kinda. Yeargh!
  • …one of my movies was called “Hercules in New York.” The movie has finally come true!
Posted by James at September 2, 2004 2:49 PM
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Comments

"Hercules in New York" was also known as "Hercules Goes Bananas." Just FYI. :)

Posted by: Julie at September 2, 2004 3:04 PM

I saw that, but nothing jumped to mind.

Anyone can feel free to add to or present their own variations on the list. Some of our lines were intentionally lame. Others were unintentionally lame. I take full responsibility for any lameness-I refuse to pawn any of it off on Ryan.

Posted by: James at September 2, 2004 3:52 PM

Nothing jumped to mind because there's nothing he can say. "One of my movies was called 'Hercules Goes Bananas.' And I have."

I think he was also in "Scavenger Hunt" which is also a joke that writes itself in reference to Bush's search for WMD.

Posted by: Julie at September 2, 2004 4:37 PM

True lies? Oh, ha ha, good one... huh?

I know I'm dim when it comes to metaphor, but is that a real zinger and I just don't get it?

I think my favorite of yours is the Lost Action Hero. And, as far as humor goes I am much like one of my favorite fictional characters Jack Aubrey, who is always on the verge of a really hilarious joke but is never quite able to pull it off. I'm sure there's something in that diverse garden of Bush's stupidity vis-a-vis Kindergarten Cop, but I can't make it work out. Or maybe this...

... one of my movies was called Kindergarten Cop. With another four years of Bush, you won't need more than a kindergarten education to hold most of the jobs left in the United States.

Posted by: Maggie at September 2, 2004 5:22 PM

Schwarzenegger doesn't do zingers. He wouldn't know a zinger if one sprang up and broke a tooth on his steroid-scultped ass.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2004 9:06 AM

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