November 9, 2004

Don't F*** With The Calico

Ashcroft LetterIn a startling defeat, John Ashcroft has given in to the evil of the calico cats1 and resigned from his post as Attorney General. No word as to whether he was booted so that a dead guy could take the post instead.

We at Aces Full of links will be missing John in the next 4 years of the bush administration. His replacement will surely be less interesting, if not less conservative. Ashcroft’s handwritten letter (you can’t trust the Justice Department computers, apparently) tells us that securing the nation’s safety has been achieved! It’s a done deal! Better still, corporate integrity has been restored! No pesky worries about corporate fraud due to the caped crusaders of the corporate Fraud Task Force.

The fellow whose agenda implied he was more interested in pornography than terrorism says:

Americans have been spared the violence and savaging of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

Terrorism since 9/11… terrorism since 9/11… Hey, whatever did happen with that Anthrax terrorist guy? Not terroristy enough?

I’m kicking off a new “feature” on the blog called “Top N Listmania.” A little bit of community humor. I propose a subject and we all post our top (humorous) items to be placed on the list. In other words, a collaborative top 10 list a-la-David Letterman, but not limited to 10 items.

This installment: The Top N Reasons it was time for John Ashcroft to go

Your submissions, please, in the comments. The list itself will be enshrined it its own post in a few days. Have at it.

1 Ashcroft denies he considers calico cats to be agents of the devil. But after the original story hit the news, isn’t this just what a crafty Attorney General would do to confound the forces of darkness. You know it is.

Posted by James at November 9, 2004 10:58 PM
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I'll start it off.

* Because the Justice Department kitchen ran out of Crisco

* Leaving is the only way for him to stop those impure thoughts about the Bush twins.

Posted by: James at November 10, 2004 12:49 AM

He couldn't stop fondling the Boobs of Justice. (It was the statue of Justice that was upsetting him, right?)

Posted by: Julie at November 10, 2004 10:53 AM

I don't know much about Ashcroft so I'll contribute more next time. All I can come up with are a few reasons why he is leaving...

* Retiring to get that bulging right eye problem fixed once and for all:

* No more bibles left to thump in continental United States

* Taking sabbatical to investigate reports of offensive sculptures in Florence, Italy

* God told him "Nice job. The war on terror has ended."

Posted by: Mike at November 10, 2004 10:58 AM

You asked: "Hey, whatever did happen with that Anthrax terrorist guy?"

He's an American. I am convinced.

Why haven't the greatest minds been able to find this dude? You tell me.

Posted by: Patti M. at November 10, 2004 1:17 PM

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was American - I don't think anyone doubts that.

They did have a likely suspect - American - but weren't able to get any physical evidence. I don't think he ever got major headlines but the investigation did make the news multiple times. I think he threatened to sue the FBI for harrassment.

Posted by: Julie at November 10, 2004 1:33 PM

Yeah, told the FBI to lay off. "Im innocent. And if you don't stop hounding me, I'll send you aome Anthrax in the mail."

Reason #N

* Ascroft was frightened off by an Anthrax letter

Posted by: James at November 10, 2004 1:43 PM

*Asscroft was worried the Supreme Court would find him unconstitutional.

Posted by: Julie at November 10, 2004 3:38 PM

Ooh, Julie--good one! Your post should have been accompanied by a rim shot and cymbal crash!

Posted by: Patti M. at November 10, 2004 3:42 PM

* He had to leave Washington because he couldn't stand seeing the offensively phallic Washington Monument every day, and he couldn't find a blue curtain big enough to cover it.

* He discovered so many books he wanted to read, while purusing everyone's library records, that he had to retire to have enough time to read them all.

* God called him, but his secretary picked up the phone and said that he was in a meeting and couldn't be disturbed, and God got annoyed and fired him and told him to go home.

Posted by: AuntieEmma at November 11, 2004 12:08 AM

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