November 17, 2004

The Top N Reasons it was time for John Ashcroft to go

Results from last week’s “Top N” question.

The Top N Reasons it was time for John Ashcroft to go

  1. Because the Justice Department kitchen ran out of Crisco
  2. Leaving is the only way for him to stop those impure thoughts about the Bush twins.
  3. He couldn’t stop fondling the Boobs of Justice. (It was the statue of Justice that was upsetting him, right?)
  4. Retiring to get that bulging right eye problem fixed once and for all.
  5. No more bibles left to thump in continental United States
  6. Taking sabbatical to investigate reports of offensive sculptures in Florence, Italy
  7. God told him “Nice job. The war on terror has ended.”
  8. Ashcroft was frightened off by an Anthrax letter
  9. Asscroft was worried the Supreme Court would find him unconstitutional.
  10. He had to leave Washington because he couldn’t stand seeing the offensively phallic Washington Monument every day, and he couldn’t find a blue curtain big enough to cover it.
  11. He discovered so many books he wanted to read, while purusing everyone’s library records, that he had to retire to have enough time to read them all.
  12. God called him, but his secretary picked up the phone and said that he was in a meeting and couldn’t be disturbed, and God got annoyed and fired him and told him to go home.
Posted by James at November 17, 2004 2:59 PM
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