December 5, 2005

Clear The Baffles

The 17th rule of blogging is that you have to post every once in a while or people think you have strangled yourself with the cordless mouse. So a good stream of consciousness post is warranted every once in a while when you’ve got stuff on your mind but little time to be coherent about it.

Stuff piles up. Most of it is stupid stuff, like me wanting to tell you that my spell-checker doesn’t like “cordless.” Wants to turn it into “cord less.” Silly machines.

So, I worked all weekend. That was fun. The less said about that, the better. However, I see the students running around like mad doing their end of semester work. Some are also diligently working on our project. You know who you are. When I got in one morning, one student, who shall remain nameless, wandered downstairs looking bleary-eyed. He’d been upstairs all night at the office. But it turns out the fellow spent at least a half hour actually sleeping. It’s that kind of slacker behavior that makes me fear for the youth of this country.

Speaking of Derek, he lent me the rude, crude, and quite funny movie “Run Ronnie Run!” It’s sort of a prequel to “Run Lola Run” but performed by ferrets and a marionette of the late (not) president Jefferson Davis.

Oh, you want a real review? Too bad. I want to know why I thought “Supermaitonation” was “Supermarionation.” I guess I was not focused on reading while watching “Thunderbirds.”

SNL was better than average this week. You can thank Dane Cook. He was on the Tonight Show this year and complemented Charlize Theron so generously that he had to apologize for “kissing her ass” and then she offered her behind and he did indeed commence to kiss said behind. Leno was upset he hadn’t thought to try that.

It’s Monday morning, and you’ll read just about anything if you’re still reading this. But I hear you yawning, so I’d better say something interesting, quick.

So, hey, how about this war on Christmas everyone is talking about, eh? You’ve got people ready to go out there and protest the war on Christmas. They’re going to write to congress to make sure that War Powers On Christmas act never gets passed. But, they will surely fail. Operation Enduring Secularism will sweep an unsuspecting country.

Before you know it, over 2000 pipers piping and drummers drumming will be casualties of the War on Christmas, but don’t expect any pullout. You don’t withdraw your maids-a-milking while they’ve got their hands on the udders of Christianity. They’re going to squeeze hard and milk this holiday for all it’s worth.

The secret secular agenda is this:

  1. Get everyone to sing “Jingle Bells” before they realize that it never mentions religion. As the realization dawns, watch the fun as they tell you they are affronted by your song, and have never been so insulted before. They will say “Merry Christmas” to you, but this time they mean it in a sliiiightly different way. In the true spirit of giving, you have given the gift of self-righteousness.
  2. We will seek ways to please people secularly. (please, read this hilarious review slamming Arrested Development. Even a negative review of the show is funny.)
  3. I dunno… stab people with candy canes?

Come on, people. Really.

I went to the supermarket today and was oddly compelled to pick up a cactus pear, or prickly pear, or whatever those infernal things are. I got a number of glochids stuck in my hands. Yow. They’re little barbed hairs and I’ve been picking them off with tweezers for hours. They’re almost too small to see, but you can feel them. Every time you rub your hand on something, your hand hurts.

To get back at the cactus pear, I plan to eat it. When I figure out how not to get bit again. What’s a cactus pear have to do with tuna?

It snowed today. Yes, it is December, after all.

I’m not going to let the snow, the work, or any of the odd BS surrounding Xmas this year get me down.

I used to think that Christmas spirit is something you felt around the holiday season. As if it would just creep up on you and you’d suddenly feel happy. Thinking back on that, I believe this is a recipe for depression. Any time you expect a feeling, you’ve got a huge chance for disappointment.

In any case, that’s not what this time of year is about. Winter is here, and people naturally feel like crap. The holiday season is an opportunity to try to think of ways you can make other people’s lives better. And your own as well because we’re all in this together. Companionship, sticking together, giving, singing, celebrating life, it’s all supposed to remind us that life is not just one long winter. Not on the inside, where it counts.

If you’re still with me, I hope you enjoyed this brain dump. And maybe you learned a little something. About yourself.

Posted by James at December 5, 2005 2:43 AM
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glochids... so that's what those annoying things are called.

The "War on Christmas"... I'm so tired of that shite, but what do you expect from the "War on Marriage" folks? Gotta energize the base and mobilize them against liberals... otherwise righties might start holding their government accountable for stuff, and after almost six years of that not happening, that just won't do at all.

Them liberals! They want to undermine marriage, kill babies, undermine the family, undermine our war effort, raise taxes, waste money on social programs for bums and lowlifes, outlaw religion from the public square, take away our guns, corrupt our children, turn everyone gay, and destroy Christmas! They hate America!

Posted by: Chuck S. at December 5, 2005 8:46 AM

The Parents TV Decency Concerned Fraidycat Whiners people's review of Arrested Development made me look forward to tonight's episode.

Posted by: Julie at December 5, 2005 8:48 AM

So, the guy who loves Arrested Development should take advice from people with no sense of humor? COME ON!

Take me into your secular world!

BTW - they spelled "Veal" wrong. It's "Meet the Veals," not "Meet the Veels." Duh.

Posted by: James at December 5, 2005 10:14 AM

Maybe it should be "Meat the Veals."

Posted by: Julie at December 5, 2005 10:24 AM

That review was soooo badly written, it seems clear the reviewer wouldn't know or appreciate intelligent humor if it bit her on the ass.

Chuck, you got one thing wrong. We're not undermining the war effort, we're not supporting the troops.


Posted by: Maggie at December 5, 2005 11:33 AM

That wasn't so much a review as a stream of (un?)consciousness plot summary. Man that was a painful read. The review, not your post.

Loved the war on Christmas stuff! We need to fight the swans-a-swimming over there so we don't have to fight them over here!

Posted by: briwei at December 5, 2005 1:51 PM

Woohoo! Other people call cactus pears Tunas :)
I was beginning to fear it was some odd term only my family used. Perhaps that term is more common on the west coast?

Posted by: Sharon at December 5, 2005 7:56 PM

I'm not sure where it's used most often -- my guess owuld be that it's used more where you find these fruits more.

ANyhow, I'm faced wiht one of these things and I have no idea how to eat it.

I'll try the direct method, but I'm going to wear gloves!

Posted by: James at December 5, 2005 9:24 PM

Do you wish, as I do, that these people who have so much time on their hands that they can manufacture this "war on Christmas" would put their energies into something worthwhile? Like, for instance, helping those who are less fortnate than they are? (Psst! I think that's what "Christians" are supposed to do, isn't it?)

War on Chistmas: sound and fury signifying nothing.

Posted by: at December 6, 2005 8:42 AM

Zounds! My info seems to have gone "poof"! That previous post was from me.

Posted by: Patti M. at December 6, 2005 9:26 AM
Do you wish, as I do, that these people who have so much time on their hands that they can manufacture this "war on Christmas" would put their energies into something worthwhile?

That reminds me of something funny.

Back in, oh, 1998? the summer when there were lots of brush fires on the east coast of FL (like between Melbourne and Daytona)... Operation Rescue came to Orlando during a gay pride convention to picket some womens' health clinics, various theme parks where the gay pride people had organized their outings, and some bookstore (maybe Borders) for selling a particular book they didn't approve of. They recruited local churches to join them in their picketing and boycotts.

BTW, that was also the summer that Jerry Falwell or somesuch said that Orlando would be the scene of all sorts of hurricanes and whatnot because the mayor had agreed to have rainbow flags downtown that month. Orlando didn't have any problems. The fires were mostly near the coast (no rainbow flags).

Anyway, driving to the bookstore that day (no picketers), I saw maybe three forlorn-looking people standing with signs on the sidewalk outside the Planned Parenthood, and on the news that night they showed only a few more people at Disney (granted it's hard to picket a place that size).

They said Operation Rescue was disappointed by the poor turnout. I guess it never occurred to them that the churches in town had better things to do with their time than to drop everything and welcome a bunch of bozos from Wichita with open arms. They were busy that weekend. They were bringing bottled water and other helpful items to the firefighters who were struggling to keep the fires under control.

Posted by: Julie at December 6, 2005 11:58 AM

Now that's what I'm talking about.

If you're going to call yourself a Christian, then be one. I'm not religious, but I would suggest this to those who are:

Do not pay lip service to your god. Those of us around you on this mortal coil will see you for the fraud you are, and who knows what your deity will do to you.

Posted by: Patti M. at December 6, 2005 2:20 PM

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