January 16, 2006

Movie Talk

In which James talks about upcoming/current movies, most of which will he will probably not see in the theater.

King Kong

OK, I get it. This is a long film. But if I don’t see it in the theater, is there going to be any point to seeing it on DVD? Probably not.


I have to give Uwe Boll this: he certainly knows how to get people excited about how godawful his movies are. By comparison, the non-Uwe Boll films “Cheaper By The Dozen” got a “7%” on RottenTomatoes.com. “Yours, Mine and Ours” got a 6%. Sadly, “Bloodrayne” is in the same class, at 6%. It would have been more dramatic if I’d been able to say it was at 5%, but it looks like some reviewer out there is an avid Maxim reader. A movie so bad, I may not even rent it. Unless Chuck sees it and tells me it’s at least worth a laugh.

As we know, Chuck is an avid Uwe Boll fan. OK, that’s an exaggeration. OK, it’s a complete fabrication. He thinks Boll is a wanker.

True Fact! There is a sex scene in Bloodrayne. The movie is so bad that thoughtful people on the ‘net have posted the scene to discourage you from feeling you actually have to see the film. I have to agree with the sentiment. Please, don’t encourage Mr. Boll.

Know more about Uwe Boll by reading Wikipedia.

Moving on.

X-Men 3

Coming in May. See?

I can dig Dark Phoenix. Are there going to be Sentinals? I can’t tell. In any case, they make a halfway decent trailer. But I just haven’t loved the X-Men films. I’m goofy enough to keep going, though. So. They’ll get my money.

The Ant Bully

Trailer. It’s about ants who shrink an ant-killing kid down to their size to teach him a lesson. Kids film. If it gets even a marginal showing on the tomatometer, I’ll probably end up taking the kids. Haven’t heard much about this one, though.

V for Vendetta

Trailer. I’ve got the comics around here someplace. Only vaguely remember what it was about and the trailer only gives an inkling. Something about man against the government. A vigilante fighting against oppression. A movie with a terrorist as the protagonist? Edgy. Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving… good cast. I guess we’ll see when March rolls around.


Trailer. Dammit - they’re going to keep trying to make these movies until they get it right!

Milla Jovovich is a super-duper powered person infected with a virus that is sweeping the nation, turning humans into a race of uber-vampires.

No, really - you’ve never seen this film before. The trailer is full of sound and fury. But, come on people. How many super-powered vampire franchises do we need?

Underworld Evolution

Trailer. Speaking of which. I’ve mentioned this one before. More vampire stuff. Well, we’ll see.


Trailer. Hey, now this at least sounds creepy! Teenagers find a creepy website, one of their number commits suicide and then they start getting emails from beyond the grave! It;s got Kristen Bell from that “Veronica Mars” show and Boone from “Lost.”

It’s a remake of a Japanese movie called Kairu. The Japanese version was written and directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa. Wait, that sounds familiar. [Google…] Oh, no! Kiyoshi Kurosawa directed Kyua. Otherwise known as Cure. That’s the Japanese film that forever has ruined my film-choosing reputation with certain of my friends. It’s done irreperable damage to my cred. I subjected Mike and Julie to it once, and I’m just lucky they seem to have forgiven me.

But I have a feeling they will never trust me again when they hear me say “let’s watch this Japanese movie together.”

Cure was so damn boring, we were rooting for the killer. When it wasn’t boring it was annoying. I don’t know what madness prevented me from switching off the TV and suggestign we drag out a board game.

Sorry, Pulse, I am wary. If I see this one, it will definitely be alone.

Date Movie

Trailer. Alyson Hannigan stars in a parody of chick flicks and other recent films. The trailer is crude and goofy. These films are ripe for parody, so there could be plenty of yuks. Trailer takes aim at J.Lo, Napoleon Dynamite, Michael Jackson, and Will Smith’s Hitch.


Trailer. A disturbing psychological thriller about a family which begins to receive odd parcels. First, it is a videotape of their house… filmed for two hours from across the street. Next, it is strange, vaguely disturbing drawings. These intrusions begin to have an effect on their lives. Where does it lead? I don’t know — the trailer doesn’t reveal much.

This is a French language film by Michael Haneke starring Daniel Aueuil and Juliette Binoche. It’s easily the most intriguing (to me) films I’ve listed here. Is there any chance I’ll see it in the theatre? I probably ought to add it to the almighty Netflix queue.

What films are you folks anticipating? Any of these? Posted by James at January 16, 2006 8:45 PM
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I loved the new version of King Kong and it spurred me to rent the 1933 original which has aged fairly well. I've been geeking out on all of Peter Jackson's behind the scenes videos online because I love seeing how that stuff works.

As for films I'm looking forward to, the only one that comes to mind is The Da Vinci Code. The trailer has been out for a while and it didn't suck.

Posted by: Mike L. at January 16, 2006 11:47 PM

Yes - I finally saw the actual trailer for that. Very compelling. I haven't read the book (his earlier book was enough for me) but I am interested in the film.

Posted by: James at January 16, 2006 11:52 PM


I did enjoy Kong and it's definately something you want to see in the theater. The CGI stuff is amazing (as you would expect). My only complaint was that it was at least 45 minutes too long. Every CGI sequence goes on at least 2x too long. Oh yeah, and I didn't really buy the ape falls in love with Anne plot point (which is kinda critical) but you just have to suspend disbelief and go with it. Otherwise the movie makes no sense.

Posted by: B.O.B. (bob) at January 17, 2006 8:07 AM

It's Naomi Watts. I think I can bend the imagination sufficiently.

Thanks - I think I will end up trying to see this. Maggie's not interested, so it will probably be a late night field trip.

Posted by: James at January 17, 2006 8:18 AM

I definitely reccomend Kong. Though there were parts of it that *I* had a hard time watching, so I definitely wouldn't bring the kids.

I'm kind of a sucker for the whole modern vampire genre (where its more sci-fi action and less like the Dracula movies we grew up with). I admit it probably has something to do with having hot foreign actresses wearing tight latex and all gothed up. Because I certainly don't like the vampire genre enough to actually read any Anne Rice books or have gotten into the Vampire RPG.

That being said, I don't think I'll be watching BloodRayne.

Posted by: DG at January 17, 2006 1:07 PM

I'm not saying I've never seen "Underworld" and other movies of itds ilk. I liked "Blade II" for the action.

"Blade Trinity" was a joke, but I still liked Parker Posey in it. And Ryan Reynolds.

"Bloodrayne" is a complete waste of time, but the thing that gets me about "Ultraviolet" us that Milla has already been in the super-human infected-person movies based on another video game: "Resident Evil."

Isn't she worried about typecasting?

Posted by: James at January 17, 2006 3:51 PM

Milla was also in 5th Element, I believe. So my guess is that she's already been typecast as a woman who appears in movies that suck, and is just glad to have work.

Posted by: Julie at January 17, 2006 5:16 PM

I actually liked 5th Element, cheesy though it was. I thought the direction was good and the scores enhanced the movie. Plot holes? Sure. Lame dialog? Sure. But fun! Of the ones listed, I'm most looking forward to X3 and V. I'll have to check the trailers for the others.

Posted by: briwei at January 18, 2006 11:22 AM

Milla's insanely-over-muscularized body was the very ONLY reason I enjoyed 5th Element. We all need something out-of-reach to aspire to. (HOW SAD I was when she played an over-the-top Joan of Arc and just WRECKED the whole myth for me!!!!)
Anyway, like the rediculous eye-candy that Pamela Sue Anderson's boobs are for most of us, hetero or not.... You just CAN'T STOP LOOKING!
Otherwise, the movie (5th Element) sucked.

I enjoyed Kong.
I have no idea who the lead female actress was before this film, and could care less. She did a good job pretending to be someone I cared about. The CGI was (as B.O.B. put it -) WAY too long! In the end, fun and touching, anyway.

Posted by: TCR at January 19, 2006 12:45 AM

I'm in the midst of answering all the e-mails I'm getting about my old house being in the porn version of Pirates of the Caribbean. "Yo HO" indeed.

Posted by: ThirdMate at January 19, 2006 10:14 AM

No, I wasn't in "Pirates." And I will only comment privately on my having sex on board the Bounty. I lived aboard for what, three years. You wanted me to rent a room EVERY time? (and I fixed the URL)

Posted by: ThirdMate at January 19, 2006 10:30 AM

Yeah, what's that, like, two rooms? ;-)

What *are* you talking about? And who are you talking to???

Posted by: Maggie at January 19, 2006 12:36 PM

Who am I ever talking to? Sorry I was inappropriate.

Posted by: ThirdMate at January 19, 2006 1:21 PM

Not inappropriate, just confusing...

Posted by: Julie at January 19, 2006 2:24 PM

You have to follow the link to H.M.S Impossible to get it. The Bounty was recently used to film a high-budget porn film modeled on a Pirates of the Carribean-type movie.

Very odd. Is there a market for blockbuster porn?

Posted by: James at January 19, 2006 2:33 PM

Sorry, I didn't see the link. That's hilarious. Was it in the 40-Year-Old Virgin where the guy is naming off his porn, and all the names are take-offs on real movies?

emember the SNL skit on the Clarence Thomas hearings? If I had time I'd see if I could dig up a transcript of that. "Women like to be transported to another era..." Maybe this is porn directed at the men-trying-to-get-women-interested market.

Thirdmate, you weren't inappropriate, I just felt like I'd stumbled into the room with the crazy guy mumbling to himself. I was just joshin' ya.

Posted by: Maggie at January 19, 2006 2:51 PM

I just felt like I'd stumbled into the room with the crazy guy mumbling to himself.

That could practically be the tagline for my blog.

Posted by: James at January 19, 2006 3:01 PM

You mean it isn't?

Posted by: briwei at January 19, 2006 3:11 PM

I could make it be so, but then that would ruin the thrill of discovery for the few people who wander in here and realize what they've gotten into.

Posted by: James at January 19, 2006 4:34 PM

I like "number one in goat diapering," myself.

Posted by: Maggie at January 19, 2006 5:13 PM

I saw a trailer for the Pink Panther movie last night, and I am not thrilled that the ubiquitous Beyonce is in it. I am sure she's talented and stuff, but why is she in this movie? Did someone think she was their best bet for box office draw? Don't pop stars get enough exposure on MTV and the like?

Posted by: Julie at January 20, 2006 9:52 AM

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