Dear Radio Callers Supporting English as the official language,
If you would like to make English the official language of the United States of America, I have a proposal for you. Make English the official language and then each citizen must identify which is his or her most fluent language (i.e. everyone must speak English, but some people will still have it as their second language).
If you identify “English” as your primary personal language, you will be heavily fined every time you massacre the language when you open your mouth. That includes calling in to talk radio shows and saying things like “we can’t do nuttin’” and such. You persist in using words like “supposably.” And when you incorrectly use popular idioms and commonplace words, as when you say “I am adverse to that,” it grates.
My grammar is far from perfect in my daily speech and on my weblog, but I’m pretty sure that with a brief study period I could get it up to snuff if it meant avoiding a fine. I have serious doubts about some of you xenophobes. I see a huge new source of revenue for the government and would love to see my tax burden lowered as language fines start to replace the income tax.
Maybe you ought to try speaking the language yourself before declaring it official. Just a thought.
(P.S. My position is that we should encourage the learning of English in non-English speakers and encourage the learning of a second language in English-only speakers like (sadly) myself. Buy we should not enforce contrived culturephobic exclusions by law.)
(P.P.S. This does not mean I plan to hire an editor for my blog, though I know good ones. I am still going to exercise license to use sentence fragments and such for effect. At least, until you all pass the law I suggested above.)