Back in May I highlighted an article about saying “good job” to children as a form of manipulation.
I wanted to post again, briefly, on that subject because I have spent some time paying closer attention to what I say. (It’s interesting in itself that I was thinking more about what I say to adults than about what I automatically say to children.)
A lot of the times I felt like saying “good job” — when children were doing things that I wanted them to do like picking up their toys or clearing their dishes off the table — what I really meant was “thank you.”
“Thank you” is what I would say (and do say) to an adult that’s doing something that makes my life a little easier. Even people who do things that are their own responsibility. When you say “thank you” you’re not condescending. You’re recognizing that someone chose to do something that deserves thanks.
So, in those cases, now I just say what I mean. “Thank you.”
Posted by James at June 22, 2006 7:55 AMI generally say thank you when they are doing what they are supposed to. Good job is reserved for a good day at karate or school when they were listening, working hard at a task, or learning a new skill.
Posted by: pippa at June 22, 2006 9:53 AMThis is interesting. I've been thinking a lot about awards and competition (I even ranted a little on my blog about it yesterday), and it didn't occur to me until reading this entry that "thank you" vs. "good job" ties in.
I was happy with the service awards they gave the children who volunteered in the school. That's "thank you." I was not happy with the merit awards for the gifted children, which feels more like "good job." "Good job" should be an intrinsic feeling that comes from doing a good job, and shouldn't need to be recognized from the outside (and often can't be recognized from the outside, and that's part of my problem with awards).
I hadn't thought of it in these terms, though. Now the distinction I was feeling makes more sense to me.
Posted by: Maggie at June 22, 2006 10:48 AMThat reminds me of my re-training; I am trying to stop saying "no problem" when I mean "thank you". It may be percieved as insincere or manipulative even though it's just habit on my part.
Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2006 5:32 PMI mistyped. I meant "your welcome" not "thank you". I say "no problem" instead of "your welcome".
Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2006 5:47 PMI am having a hard time breaking the good job habit, myself. Perhaps "thank you" will suffice. I've been trying to say "how do you feel about that?" in response to one of the kids being pleased about an accomplishment. When they say "Good/great/etc" I follow up with "You should. You earned it"
Posted by: briwei at June 23, 2006 11:29 AMI say "good job" for a job well done, like when my youngest, who is speech delayed, properly uses her "R's" or corrects her speech. I never use it in the place of "thank you" though it is often used in tandem. For example, when they are still learning to do chores right, like vaccuuming the baseboards. Then I say, "Good job! I noticed you got the baseboards! Thank you!."
I don't see it as condescending.