So, there’s this conversation you can find cut and pasted all over the internet. It’s a discussion between an asshat philosophy professor who can’t argue for shit raking one of his hapless theist students over the coals for no apparent reason.
Someone saw fit to paste this near-worthless piece of writing in a comment to my blog. It amused me a little bit because it’s so sad. But I had to figure that some angry theist must have gotten a kick out of writing it. I thought I’d try my hand at that!
Now, to be absolutely accurate to the style of writing, I’d have to make the theist in the story a surly and belligerent moron, like the philosophy professor in the story who picks a fight with a student but can’t even argue about heat and cold. It doesn’t seem quite fair, but hey, that’s the template I’m working with. So, here goes!
Professor of Religion speaks to his class on how stupid atheists are.
He ask one of his atheist students to stand and….
Prof.: So you believe in the almighty God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof.: Why not?
Student: Based on the evidence.
Prof.: Can you prove God doesn’t exist?
Student: Of course not but…
Prof.: (Interrupting with a huge grin) Aha, so you admit that your claim that God doesn’t exist is the height of arrogance!
Student: I didn’t make that claim. You asked me what I believed. I am technically an agnostic because I refuse to say God is absolutely impossible, but I am a de facto atheist because the evidence leads me to believe that the possibility of God’s existence is intolerably small. So I live my life as an atheist. You also asked what I can prove. It’s impossible to prove…
Prof.: (Smugly, drooling slightly) Impossible because Gods existence is impossible to deny!
Student: (Calmly) Well, no. It’s because God is defined in such a way that you can wiggle out of every argument, but in general it’s not possible to prove the nonexistence of something. Nor is it appropriate; the burden of proof is on you.
Prof.: The proof of God’s existence is all around us. You and I couldn’t possibly exist if God hadn’t created us.
Student: Well, that’s what you believe, but you were attacking me on my reasoning and clearly I can’t take “creation” as evidence that God exists when there are quite plausible scientific explanations for the complexity of the universe. If this were an age of superstition, I might have to throw up my hands and concede the argument to you. But let me ask you a question, do you believe in a teapot, floating in space between the Earth and Mars?
Prof.: (Haughty) That’s ridiculous, of course I don’t. How would it get there?
Student: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Wow - ridiculous, eh? That’s a bit arrogant, wouldn’t you say?
Prof.: (Suddenly looking confused) What? Well, why should I believe in such a teapot? Astronomers…
Student: (Interrupting) Oh, I meant to mention that the teapot is too small for any of our telescopes to detect.
Prof.: (Smug again) Of course I don’t believe in a floating, microscopic teapot.
Student: Fair enough. I haven’t given you any evidence. You should, at this point, be a teapot agnostic. But you went even further, calling my teapot belief ridiculous. I find that interesting. Why not go ahead and prove to me the teapot doesn’t exist.
Complete silence in the classroom as everyone realizes something EXTREMELY IMPORTANT is happening in this REALLY DRAMATIC MOMENT of this INCREDIBLE SOCRATIC DIALOGUE.
Prof.: (Humble and devoid of sarcasm) Holy crap, you’re right, I can’t prove it.
Student: And you shouldn’t have to. The burden should be on me, if I claim the teapot exists. You might not be able to prove that this teapot doesn’t exist, but you certainly shouldn’t believe it does. The possibility is intolerably small.
Prof.: (Suddenly coming to a realization about his theism) Class is canceled and all the atheists in class have an A. I’m going to see if there’s an opening on the visual arts staff because clearly I can’t teach this class anymore. Thank you, nameless student.
The professor walks out, but not before shaking the student’s hand, which turns into an emotional hug.
It’s not hard to write one of these silly dialogues. Feel free to write your own. Post it in the comments or, if you post it to your blog, post a link to it in my comments.
Posted by James at August 28, 2007 9:30 AMMaybe I'll write one where an arrogant film professor tries to claim that Gremlins 2: The New Batch is superior to the original.
Posted by: David Grenier at August 28, 2007 9:46 AMThat would rawk.
Posted by: James at August 28, 2007 9:54 AMOkay, I've got one.
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Professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.
[Silly student stands up and insists that there is a God, interrupting the lecture. Professor asks for evidence of God. Student cannot offer evidence of God. You might have seen something like this before... imagine it with capitalization and correct grammar.]
Student: Nothing. I have only my faith.
Prof.: Yes, faith, and that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof.: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof.: Yes.
Student: No sir. there isn't.
(The lecture theater becomes very quiet with this silly assertion. Students shiver and rub their hands with glee (not cold).)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, super heat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such a thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy.. . . cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Professor: Class is adjourned to the courtyard.
Student: What?
Professor: Collect up your books. We're going to continue this class in the courtyard.
Student: But it's January.
Professor: So?
Student: It's freezing out there!!
Professor: Excuse me?
Student (turning red): It's COLD.
The rest of the class laughs, and the lecture resumes.
Posted by: Maggie at August 28, 2007 12:14 PMYeah
Science isn't really concerned much with heat and cold but with temperature.
heat and cold are relative (100C would feel downright chilly if you could stand being on the surface of Mercury). temperatures are absolute and what are typically referred to in scientfic liturature. Let's see does water boil at hot or does it boil at 100C. Run that reaction at cold temps. Yeah that'll get you far. Every scientific process that involves hot or cold as an important factor give the actual temperature they don't just tell you to heat something.
Zero Kelvin is the theoretical absolute 0 at which everything stops moving (protons, electrons, etc.) and therefore in theory things fall apart. It hasn't been proven and may not be able to be proven. Like evolution it is a theory (I may actually be wrong here as there are definitely laws of thermodynamics). But we have a hell of a lot of evidence that it is correct (also like evolution).
I don't know that there isn't a top temperature at which things also fall apart, I don't know enough thermodynamics ( having dropped the course half way through. damn if I'd only know I'd need to know 20 years later to answer some bonehead's question) but I suspect there is.
Posted by: B.O.B. (bob) at August 28, 2007 1:29 PMWell, I'll paste something related that I wrote a couple of weeks ago (and you've already read): Prayer works!
Oh, and a physicist friend of mine likes to say, when one leaves the door open in the winter, "Shut the door; you're letting in the absence of heat!"
(Really; I have a physicist friend, and he says that. I'm not making that up.)
Those wacky physicists and their faith!
Posted by: James at August 28, 2007 4:08 PMThank you James for pointing out the silliness of writing arguments where you get to speak for the side you disagree with. Such things prove nothing and only exist to mollify others who feel the same way as you do. It's also a favorite tactic for those who can't go up against the real thing. I've seen it altogether too often.
Posted by: Chuck S. at August 28, 2007 10:21 PMThe theistic argument is asinine. The opposite of Cold is not Heat. That would in fact be hot. Thus, hot and cold.
Try asking the question: "Is there hot?" Obviously the answer is no, as its just a comparative state (as stated above).
As expected, the Theistic argument is rooted in disingenuous semantics, which claim to somehow expose some fundamental reliance on faith which Atheists are supposedly not allowed.
Posted by: Syagru1s at August 29, 2007 1:00 AM