November 27, 2007

Tuesday Awards

That's right - this is the day you wait for all year long! It's the day I pick a random day to give out a bunch of random awards that I just made up expressly for the purpose of making fun of a bunch of links. First annual, and yet not annual at all!

The I Just Threw Up A Little In My Mouth Award goes to Men's Health for their "Men We Can't Say No To" article containing advice from (get this) actual women. Actual horny women.

A quick scan of any of the descriptions of the 4 sexy man-types might make you hot if you're a lady, but I burped up my dinner and it took half a bottle of Pepto to get the taste out of my mouth.
As he began to frost a #1 on Thomas the Tank Engine, I could tell that the rest of the world had faded away. When he's focused on me, I feel as if I'm getting 500 percent of his attention. He doesn't play games or hold back when he feels like grabbing me and carrying me to bed. His passion is directed carefully but expressed with abandon--it's so damn sexy I can't imagine ever getting enough.
Is Men's Health the male version of Cosmopolitan? And you can't tell me that any hetero man wants to read about a "mountain man" rubbing snow all over his naked body. Oh god. I just vommed again.

I want a shiny suit just like Justin Timberlake has. But I don't want it if it means having memories of having dated Britney Spears.

The You Just Won The Presidency Award goes to Mitt Romney.

It's still early, but I swear Romney has clinched it with this brilliant gambit to grab the spotlight back from Obama vs. Hillary. He says that no Muslims will serve in his cabinet. He's even got the best "I'm not really a racist" excuse. It's that Muslims don't form a high enough percentage of the population to warrant a cabinet position. By the same logic, we're going to let all the Arabic translators go from the state department. Percentage-wise, there just aren't that many Arabic speakers in the world. We're hiring tons of Chinese-speakers, though.

I heard a kid call a concession stand "the consumption stand" the other day. I kid you not. She did correct herself, but not before I tried to shake her hand.

The Lucky My Ass Award goes to unnamed people paraphrased by the Daily Mail in this story about an Indian boy who was impaled and survived.
Manish Rajpurohit has been hailed the luckiest teenager in India after he survived being skewered by a metal pole in a bus crash.
Yeah, I know what they mean, but this should be a Thanksgiving story. Here in the states we have Bill O'Reilly and other nimrods crying themselves to sleep over the casualties in the War on Christmas. Life is tough. But in India it's a LUCKY day if you get impaled.

I mean, I could say that the guy in this story, named Lonnie Anderson, is lucky he was in his late teens when "WKRP in Cincinnati" aired instead of being 9 or 10 years old, on the basis that he avoided being teased by middle-schoolers. However, he's still named Lonnie Anderson, and people probably probably ask him if he is THE Loni Anderson all the time. Lucky? My ass.

If I ever get impaled and survive, and you tell me I'm lucky, I will come to your house and prevent you from ever sleeping again by making you watch "Girls Next Door." Until you go insane.

The Best Customer Service In A Lifetime award goes to Princess Cruises for taking an old lady's money after she wasn't able to make it to the Alaska cruise on time as the result of a huge ordeal. She'd saved for this trip of a lifetime, and was screwed over at every turn. The cruise line offered no sympathy or refunds, citing the "being an asshat is industry standard" excuse, which works every time if you're in the travel industry. Because everyone believes it.

Cue someone telling me this is reasonable. Cue someone telling me it's good business. Cue someone else offering to give the woman a free cruise.

Cue me telling you that she's lucky; her airplane didn't crash on the way home.

FUNFACT: You're feeling bored right about now.


Posted by James at November 27, 2007 12:10 AM
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FUNFACT: The reason I said the India story should be a Thanksgiving story was because I always get India confused with Turkey. It sounds the same when you say it with a Fall River accent.

FUNFACT: I will one day do a whole blog post of FUNFACTS. Then I will bored you even more quicker.

Posted by: James at November 27, 2007 12:25 AM

As he began to frost a #1 on Thomas the Tank Engine...

Does this mean he peed on a child's toy in an effort to arouse his woman (which apparently worked)?

Eeew. Please, someone, tell me that I'm wrong. If I'm right, somebody pass me the hot bleach and a wire scrub brush.

Posted by: Patti M. at November 27, 2007 8:15 AM

The mere mention of Romney makes me throw up in my mouth a little. No need for a whole paragraph.


Posted by: Julie at November 27, 2007 9:12 AM

Patti, I suspect he was frosting a cake or something -- a themed birthday for a child. I hope.

Most of those popular magazines are garbage, I'm sure I've ranted on it before. I think I've even ranted specifically on the topic of Men's Health, which I suppose has more to do with men than women, although that's doubtful based on the kind of advice contained therein, and has absolutely nothing to do with health. It's just that if it were called "Men, you too can be as insecure as society has made women," nobody would buy it.

Posted by: Maggie at November 27, 2007 9:18 AM

To quote that Men's health article:

The Bad Boy - by Nicole Beland: "Here's my secret: I have a Tobey Maguire- Keith Richards complex."

So I need to effectively become the inbred walking dead and chicks will like me? I can do that.

Posted by: Derek at November 27, 2007 9:50 AM

I think she meant, "you can be the walking dead or a wimpy little boy-man, and as long as you're filthy rich, I'll still like you."

Posted by: Maggie at November 27, 2007 10:09 AM

Mmm...Kieth Richards...nothing says "sexy" like a guy who's gaunt from years of drug abuse and who, purportedly, had to have his septum rebuilt as it had rotted away from years of sniffing cocaine (and let's not forget the rotten teeth from a notoriously bad heroin addiction).

Yep, I need to get me an IV drug user. Sexy!


Posted by: Patti M. at November 27, 2007 10:14 AM

Here's what turns me on: smart guys.

For example, I can not be the only one who finds the CSI character Gil Grissom sexy.

As for the mountain man thing, I would have serious questions about the sanity of any man who rubbed his body with snow.

Posted by: Patti M. at November 27, 2007 10:27 AM

I was writing a comment, and it turned into a blog post with some linky goodness instead. LOL. Thanks for the fun entry!

Posted by: leslie at November 27, 2007 1:15 PM

So, Mitt won't have any Muslims in his cabinet because they are not statistically significant enough to warrant a position in the cabinet? Um, how statistically significant are Mormons? Enough to warrant a spot in the Oval Office?

Think again asshat!

Posted by: Kitten Herder at November 27, 2007 9:52 PM

Yes, I want to thank him for bringing up whether or not someone is qualified for a job based on something other than their ability.

I wish he would fizz up and dissolve.

Posted by: Patti M. at November 28, 2007 8:46 AM

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