Aces Full of Links

Who cares what anyone thinks... I still have a soft spot for Bread's song. Your mileage may vary.

I'm not into LL Cool J's song. He still gets props from me for co-writing the impressive I Need Love, which Luka Bloom turned into a classic.

You're not hatin' on it enough. You sound like Obama.

Ok, LL Cool J's song "wins" and here's why:

1. Simulated sex sounds? Eew. Plus, the song is super egotistical. What a turn-off.

2. Perhaps even more irritating, he has sampled in bits from Grace Jones's "My Jamaican Guy," which is a good song. What, couldn't come up with new music all by yourself?

3. Nobody is actually singing. Talking makes for dialogue, not a song.

Oh, god, I have got to turn this off! Back to WMBR for some good music to cleanse my brain!

I don't like Bread much, but they're too bland for me to actually dislike. Sometimes I'm even in the mood for blandness. It's like when you're recovering from a stomach bug and suddenly you LIKE plain toast and weak tea.

On the other hand, I can't stand LL Cool J or any kind of hip-hop or whatever this genre is called.

Oh, wow.

The Bread song conjures up memories of the 70's, which granted are fuzzy, but are horrible nonetheless. I picture people dressed in orange and brown diagonal stripes, lying around in the grass staring up at the sky because they don't have the motivation to do anything else. I don't believe this guy's ever going to have sex with anybody, despite what he wants, because it would be too much effort. I don't even think he's opening his mouth all the way when he sings.

However. I had never heard the LL Cool J song before, so perhaps it's the initial shock you're getting here, but I must concur with Patti: ew. I mean, I was thinking of giving him points for actually getting a woman involved in the song, i.e. it gives the impression that he actually could "make it" with a woman, whereas the Bread song is so ... wait a minute... does he mention he wants to make it with a woman? I mean, "rainbows," doesn't he mention rainbows?

Okay, that line of reasoning is out. Anyway, I was going to give LL Cool J points for that, but any woman involved in that song is clearly self-loathing and looking for validation in all the wrong places. Perhaps her milkshake brings boys to the yard. I must reiterate Patti's excellently articulated remark again: ew.

So it's LL Cool J for me, for bringing down the level of discourse about human sexual relations, whereas Bread's song is like a McCain speech: relatively harmless and a nice snooze.

I actually like the Bread song. It's cute and sweet and innocent and hopeful.

The LL Cool Jay song is like listening to porn - Ew. "Get my rocks off" - Ew. "Man of Steel" - Ew.

If I put the images of each of the male performers in my head as they perform, the Bread guy sounds like he's sitting outside of his Chevy conversion van next to a trickling brook while strumming a guitar and smoking pot. There is some philosophy in his come on, but it has obviously been influenced by the last trip to the keg. Life can be short or long? Life can be right or wrong? Well, duh. Doesn't make me want to do you for the first time.

However, the swagger and singlemindedness of L. L. Cool J is staggering. As a matter of fact as he has a plan of attack and gets right to the point. Though I'm not sure if my first time with him requires a play by play.

Now, to compare, quite frankly, I don't think Bread is getting any, while LL Cool J is definitely, most definitely getting it on. And, apparently, as he is only the most recent line of "many niggaz" for the woman, he was smart enough to pick someone who was a sure thing. Even if she makes him wait to climax, at least he is prepared with the camcorder so they can play it back and take notes.

I think the guy with the Chevy Conversion van may have fallen asleep by the fire, half a doobie dwindled down and sticking off the end of one of his guitar strings, while she hitched a ride home with the blond jock with the Camaro who was probably playing J. Geils Band and got some.

LL Cool J doesn't just think he can do it. He's a man of action. He does it, every which way, too. And provides a night cap and entertainment.

Bread dude talks in ethereal tidbits of nonwisdom and sounds stoned, which means, he could also be unable to perform.

So, the worst song of the week BREAD

I want to note, too, that I did not read the responses until after I posted mine so as to not be unduly influenced. But Maggie and I sound like we were hanging out at the same high school.

Sorry, LL, you lose. I like some hip hop, but this track is boring on the beat and the vibe. Nothing to encourage dancing and nothing to engage the listener.

It is difficult to compare two different genres of music, mind you. I too actually have fond memories of the Bread song. That aside, for it's genre, the Bread song is a relatively fine representative of soft romantic pop for the early 70s. LL Cool J's song has nothing to recommend it for it's genre (or any other, IMO).

Doin' it is a train wreck. Plain and simple.

1. Absolutely idiotic "faux sex" moans that sound more like trying to push out a painful stool in a public shitter without trying to make too much noise.

2. My 9 y/o could think of better innuendo.

3. The "chorus" - and it's hard to call it that because it isn't even a freaking SONG - is insipidly repetitive and add talks to being from Queens and Brooklyn as if that is relevant to pushing out poop-er, I mean, sex.

4. It's hip-hop.

Elyzabeth, I see your point. However, I must say: I don't want EITHER of these guys to perform. Their songs... or anything else.

I used to sing that Bread song to the girl of my dreams. I think it's terrific song. I listened to it from end to end and remembered all the times I sang that song to my future wife.

As far as I was concerned it wasn't about sex at all, it was about sharing your life with someone. Dreams are for those who sleep, life is for us to keep, if I could choose the one to help me make it through, I'd like to make it with you. I interpret that as "making it through life" not "making it through the night". I'm sure there is a double-entendre there, but so what?

The LL Cool J song is crass and ridiculous. I mean jeeze... subtlety anyone? What's he talking about? What could it possibly be? What shite. It's not that you can't have a good song which is about sex, but jeeze... we all know HOW the act is accomplished, no need to beat us over the head with the gory details. Vanessa Daou and Suzanne Vega know how to sing about sex. LL Cool J does not.

Plus it's not even a fun song musically. Okay the Bread song is very 70's... but if you are in a 70's mood it's fine--there are FAR worse songs from that era... "I Wanna Hold You Till I Die" anybody? If I was in a hip-hop mood I wouldn't choose "Doin' It"... EVER.

So AFAIC you have one really great song, and one really bad song. Not a difficult choice at all.

D0IN IT IZ TEH SUXX0RZ!!!1!!one!1

I'm listening to the Bread song again... I should order this song from Amazon. Ahhh, the sweet, sweet, 70's...

Chuck, that's the word I was looking for: crass. Thank you!

If you want a bad song from the '70s, I nominate Cher's "Half Breed," which I would still rather hear than this LL Cool J POS. At least "Half Breed" is fun to mock as one sings along.

Wait--I've changed my mind. "Delta Dawn" is probably worse. Helen Reddy, what were you thinking?

Ooh ohh--how about Vicki Lawrence's "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"? And yes, as I have to remind Bob whenever this song pops up on XM, it is the same Vicki Lawrence we all loved on "The Carol Burnett Show."

I hate the song "Make it with you" so much, with its insipid tune, that I never listened to the lyrics carefully. (Plus once I hear "rainbow" in a song and I'm not walking through a room during a Care Bear commercial, my ears shut off in self defense). But I just read them, I'm afraid it was all I could muster, and I believe Chuck is correct.

This guy isn't talking about sex. He's obviously impotent from the way he sings the song anyway. So this makes much more sense.

I don't know if he's singing about sharing a life with this woman, though. I think maybe he's talking about making a macrame plant hanger. You know, it could be short or it could be long, some beads are right and some beads are wrong... that's definitely what he's singing about. I can totally picture that the spider plant next to his wood-burning stove needs a new macrame plant hanger.

Or possibly, as Elyzabeth suggests, he wants her to help him roll a doobie. It could be short or it could be long. Elyzabeth that's so funny, because I could smell the pot too when I was listening to the song. He's definitely stoned, which of course also means he's impotent. We're definitely on the same wavelength with this song!!

There's certainly room for everyone's interpretation here. I personally think they're both bad songs, but in different ways.

I vote for the LL Cool J song as worst, and my main problem is the simulated sex sounds which, and Bull beat me to it, sound to me like gastrointestinal problems.

Crass lyrics can be fun once in a while, but this guy doesn't sound like he has much of a sense of humor.

In any case, for me it's close. The Bread song is insipid. But it gets a pass... this time!

but if you are in a 70's mood it's fine--there are FAR worse songs from that era... "I Wanna Hold You Till I Die" anybody?

Oh, don't worry. Future installments will draw heavily from the 70's. But perhaps I should stick to more similar songs. that was originally my plan; I think it was a bit of a mistake to go with an odd couple like this.

I'm thinking Monday or Tuesday would be a good regular day for this feature.

I guarantee if anybody can sit through "I Wanna Hold You Till I Die" without choking to death on their own hurl, they'll appreciate a whole new level of insipidity they were not previously aware of.

Speaking of good music... I recently heard Natasja's song "Calabria" on a Target ad and was blown away by it. Sadly I discovered that Natasja recently died in a car crash in Jamaica.

:-(

If you want to hear the song you can find it on her myspace page... here: http://www.myspace.com/tasjamusic

But you'll need to choose CALABRIA from the list, it isn't the first song on the list and whatever the first song is, it's nowhere near as good.

It's basically rap with reggae and electronica influences... hella good tho...

I hate "Delta Dawn" a whole big bunch. Not as much as the LL Cool J thing, but far more than anything else mentioned here yet.

As someone who made a macrame plant hanger at the Taunton Girls' Club in 1978, I can vouch that macrame is exactly the kind of thing that's probably more fun when stoned off one's ass. (Naturally, you would want to use hemp...)

And I notice that the player thingy says the Bread song has had only 226 plays vs. a zillion for the LL Cool J song.

And here is my musical contribution: Mambo Gallego D-Code Remix

Chuck - "I Wanna' Hold You 'til I Die" is childs' play compared to "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks. I'd rather copulate with an inflated porcupine fish...

'We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."

Whenever I heard that song, I always imagined the person had cancer and was dying. Not a good song.

"Seasons in the Sun" was definitely depressing. That's how I always interpretted it to... but it doesn't strike me as insipid. Not nearly as insipid as ... sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much and I have to close my eyes and hide ...

Chuck, you have now polluted my mind with that AWFUL song. Thanks ever so much. Must put on some Dinosaur Jr. STAT.

LULZ. Sorry Patti. It is truly bad. But I am musically delighted today because I tracked down that song by Natasja (probably not your style of music) and managed to finally located an MP3 of Garbage's title track for the 1999 James Bond film "The World Is Not Enough"--such an awesome song with a very cool (and evil) video. Last time I saw that I was SO impressed with Shirley Manson's musical range... I mean let's face it, Garbage is a total grunge band, and yet "The World Is Not Enough" is totally not-grunge.

Manson has joined the cast of "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" this fall. First episode airs Monday, Sept 8 (that's this coming Monday).

I think she plays some antagonist that is involved with bringing about SkyNet, but I'm not certain.

Not sure I'd equate Garbage to grunge; I don't see that they bear any resemblance to the core of the genre.

Patti - LOVE Dinosaur, Jr. especially their cover of The Cure's "Just Like Heaven". Have that CD somewhere.

@James: Yeh, I heard that too! Might actually make me interested enough to catch an episode...

@Bull: really? Wow, I always thought of them as a grunge band. I'm not very musically learned, so I often mix up the various genres and styles... what would Garbage be then?

@Patti: I'll see your "Half Breed" and raise you "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"... ;-)

Garbage is more electronic rock/pop plus guitar; I don't know if it has a well-defined category. But it doesn't have that identifiable grunge guitar. And it doesn't match up geographically or in time with grunge.

Wikipedia lists them under "alternative rock" which seems to me to be a pretty wide genre. I'm no expert.

I would bet they were influenced by grunge, though. They're more grungy than many alternative bands of that time, and they kind of formed on the heels of the death of grunge.

I thought you were going to be in bed by midnight and cease late-night posting?

Wow, you guys are tough. :)

I mostly meant weekdays, but Maggie pointed out that it would throw my schedule off if I stayed up on the weekends. Even so, I think I'm going to set my weekend bedtime at 1. Otherwise, I couldn't watch SNL with Julie all the way through.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Yes, perhaps a treat to yourself of an "extra" hour on the weekends is ok.

Chuck, I'll match your "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" and raise you Paul Anka's "Havin' My Baby."

My mother routinely mocked this song whenever it popped up on the radio. I always thought it was a creepy song because it sounded like an old man who impregnated a much younger woman (must be the voices in the song) and it's just icky.

"Havin' my baby/What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me"

Huh? Oh, I get it. She wasn't sure what to get you for your birthday so she decided all by herself to get pregnant, and is giving you a baby!

"You're a woman in love and I love what's goin' through ya"

What, bad mussels? A dose of salts? What does this even mean?

What a creepy and insipid song.

Doin It wins! Its horrible!!! What makes this a "song"?

Bread is a corny old ballad, but it's not hate-able.

Doin it isn't a song - it's voyeurism!

Yeah, it's hate-able. I hate it, the same way I hate toast, even when I'm sick. I don't care if they're the only thing that is willing to stay down, I still hate them. Bland=bad, in my book.

The song *is* a double entendre, and I'm sorry, it's just not that remarkable for a man to want to "make it" with a woman, it's not a compliment, it's crass and rude which is why he had to hide the meaning. So the meaning is stupid and insulting, and the tune makes me want to vom. Now I'm not saying the other song isn't even worse, which is why it got my vote, but I am definitely hatin' on the Bread song.

Now for a really fabulous song about sex, try Flight of the Conchords Ladies of the World.

"Oh you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man-ladies
With your sexy lady bits
And your sexy man bits too
Even you must be in to you ooo ooo"

The intention isn't crass. Crass is in execution, and, in this case, it is not a crass execution. Though this does not rescue it from criticism.

I agree with you, that it is bland.

"So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16

Okay, maybe it is the execution. Perhaps "crass" isn't the word, I should probably say "drippy." I don't think it's really compelling, it wouldn't work on me, I'd be inclined to laugh in his face. He's not sexy, so it's pathetic. Poor guy, now I'm feeling sorry for him. Should I offer him pity sex? Now I feel guilty *and* dirty. Oh, this song is so confusing.

LOL Maggie. In the 70's I think that *would* have been considered sexy.

Anyway, there's no accounting for taste... one person's "bland, drippy, and pathetic" is another person's "simple, sweet, and earnest".

Perhaps we should take LL Cool J's lyrics and set them to the tune of "Make it with You"... then perhaps we would have a song universally offensive.

Wondering what vile song options James will come up with next.

Oh, LL Cool J's song was really so much worse, I don't think we can improve on the badness. I just hate soft rock!!

I'm also looking forward to the next installment of PAIN. It's like a "would you rather NOT" for the ears and the mind.

A taste test (or test of taste) of the canned meats of music!