Aces Full of Links

I already hated the female version of "Never Been to Me." Boo hoo, you've had an interesting life and yet you still feel empty. Wow, sux to be you, big whiner, huh? I would have voted to spare "Barbie Girl" over that one.

But the male version of "Never Been to Me" is so much worse. I had no idea this even existed. I'm not sure death is good enough for it. It sounds like it might be dead already, or maybe undead, or perhaps contagious. I'm going to eat some garlic and scan my hard disk just to be on the safe side.

Ah, another installment of "Old People Complain about Songs Written for Teenagers."

"I've Never Been to Me" is incredibly dated so it sort of stands out.

I'm not sure what demographic "I've Never Been To Me" was written for. It's written as if it's being sung to a young man, but I think it's supposed to appeal to people who have had a "normal" life.

Ooh, tough choice. Both are awful.

Just to set the record straight, the original song title is "(I've Been to Paradise But) I've Never Been to Me." That's a pretty bad song, and a remake of it is just not necessary.

As bad as it is (I agree that he may very well be undead), this song doesn't cause me physical pain like the Barbie "song."

That was so loud and squeaky and painful, it was like having someone pour sugar into an open cavity in one of my teeth. I had to shut it off. As she squealed on, I thought, "This is how I feel when Sarah Palin speaks."

My vote: Kill the Barbie song. Then kill it again.

I was going to describe "Barbie Girl" as vapid, as I had recently read the word used (in the Guardian) to describe Sarah Palin, but maybe in Merry Ol' they use a definition different from the one in my dictionary! My dictionary says "flat" and "lacking liveliness," and of course that is the opposite of both SP and BG.

However they are both equally empty and devoid of real meaning. (Did she mean vacuous? Is Sarah Palin vapid?)

Back to That Song Must Die, already in progress... I'm going to go visceral with this one, since the vacuousness (darn, "vapidity" would have sounded so much better) of "Barbie Girl" I think is equal to the navel contemplativeness of "I've Never Been to Me." Trust me, big fella, you don't want to go there. It's a big empty mirror.

Since when is talking music? I'm sure Patti has asked that question on previous TSMDs. But at least a tune in the background, please.

I love Julie's entire analysis.

Okay, but going visceral... I didn't feel the need to turn Barbie off. Amazing. I was organizing papers in a folder, and I listened to Barbie almost all the way through. Whereas I had to force myself to get to the words in ME.

So ME must die. Because I don't give a dollar store grab-bag about YOU. There is nothing interesting about somebody who doesn't think they're interesting, and when it's in song, being tuneless is even worse. EVEN WORSE.

Die, ME, die.

Yeah, I was also surprised that "Barbie Girl" didn't bother me at all. So "I've Never Been to Me" should die.

The male version of "I've Never Been to Me" is actually the version as it was originally written. Here it's being sung by the songwriter, rather than by Charlene, the singer popularized it.

I think the tone it takes could be described as "maudlin." He's looking back and wishing he had settled down. Or something. It's tough to tell because I keep falling asleep.

This is a truly easy choice, since I actually really like "Barbie Girl". It's intentionally silly and the video was just a hoot.

Sappy, AM-foddered, "I've Never Been to Me" gets my vote for the axe.

I, too, got the impression that Barbie Girl is somewhat sarcastic. But, damn, I find it annoying.

Still, I think I would go with "I've Never Been To Me." It's got a lameness to it that fires up my kill-o-matic.

When I saw the choices, I thought it was going to be challenging this week. I had heard the Barbie song before and found it very vapid and annoying. I had also heard the female version of "I've Never Been to Me" and found it whiny and cloying. Vapid and annoying vs whiny and cloying. Or so I thought.

I gave Barbie a listen and it was as bad as I remembered. The only thing that made it worse than I remembered was the Ken voice. I didn't realize that was who was singing with her. Ken has no balls. He drapes sweaters around the shoulders of his Oxford. No way he sounds like that.

Then I heard "I've Never Been to Me". If that's what *I* sound like, then I'm GLAD I've never been to me. It reminded me of Shatner's Tambourine Man without the amusement factor. It's like a creepy flasher guy cornered me and is getting off on telling me about his life. "I've had all this sex, but I'm sad and lonely. And creepy." Thanks. I'm running. And throwing barrels in your way. And hoping you were no good at Donkey Kong.

To me, it's not even close. Kill "I've Never Been To Me" and keep killing it until youi think of something worse to do to it. I need a shower.

Donkey Kong?

Nice touch, Bri.

When I listen to "Barbie Girl" I get the distinct impression of someone who's making the most of a lame situation. The other song sounds more like he had choices and is now whining about the consequences of his choices. Boo frickin' hoo, what do you want, a $700 billion loan?

Also, the one thing that annoys me more than blatant shallowness is a shallow person who thinks he's saying something deep. Yeah, clap clap, you've never been to you. Have another beer.

Never Been to Me must die.

Kill Never Been to Me. Barbie Girl is silly and cute and a lark.

Then there's the take-off of Barbie Girl:
http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=12496

"I'm a Jersey girl, in a Jersey world.
I look fantastic, my pants are plastic.
Watch my booty shake, crankin' up Whitesnake,
I love Jean Claude Van Damme and my Trans-Am..."

Barbie Girl - not a particularly great song, there's better out there in the genre, BUT it reminds me of nights spent in clubs in Asia and the Middle East over the course of my many deployments. Good times. But enough waxing nostalgic.

"Me" on the other hand apparently is intended to put me in a rest home, face to face with an old man about to die, trying to straighten me out and make me think about what is really meaningful in life.

Singer: "Because I have this need to tell you why I'm so alone today. I can see so much of me, still living in your eyes."

Me: "Ummm...okay. Are we related?"

Singer: "Won't you share a part of an old man's heart, on the day before he dies?"

Me: "Dude, you're beginning to creep me out. Besides, you may not die tomorrow. They might, y'know, defibbrilate you and shit."

Singer: "I've been to China, and Asia Minor, on any ship that would sail."

Me: "Cool, me too! Did you listen to "Barbie Girl" and drink cheap beers at the clubs in Hong Kong and Thailand?"

Singer: "I made some noise with some good ol' boys, and we wrecked a southern jail."

Me: "Huh? Good ol' boys? Destroying infrastructure in the Confederacy? NO BARBIE GIRL AND BEERS? Dude, your life IS SHIT. I'll put that DNR request in with the doctor right now."

"Never Been to Me" sucks ass. Kill it.