December 17, 2008

That Xmas Song Must Die 2

It's hard work, compiling the worst holiday songs to fight it out in the arena of musical death matches. That's not because it's difficult to find bad songs, but because it's difficult to LISTEN to so many bad songs. Today is another sleigh-load of fresh and foetid reindeer poop. But I included some palate-cleansing for you as well, to keep you sane.

There are too many bad holiday songs, so these are not head to head matches. More like free-for alls.


Here we have them. In all their horribleness.

  • The toy piano in 8 Days of Christmas will make your ears bleed like a freshly picked scab.
  • Cyndi Lauper gets points for trying with Christmas Conga (really, I appreciate the effort) I'd love to enjoy this song, but I'm afraid I spend most of the week sober, so I can't.
  • Baby It's Cold Outside by Jessica Simpson and ex-hubby Nick just pisses me off. STOP RUINING MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY SONG. I'm feeling stabby.
  • If you're not homicidal at this point, I give you the abomination that is Macarena (Christmas Remix). At least you don't have to listen to much of this song to get the idea.

And, because he asked nicely, Bull wanted me to include Dominick the Donkey, which wasn't on imeem. Here's the video. I have to say, Bull, it may be a bad song, but I laughed so frickin hard, I think it made my heart grow two sizes, and gave me the power of ten Grinches, plus two!

That's some seriously screwed up stuff.


If you hate "The Christmas Shoes" as much as I do, maybe you'll enjoy this parody, tenderly entitled "The Christmas Thong."

I think I'm actually starting to feel the Christmas spirit. But why should I have all the fun? If you have a favorite Christmas/Holiday song you love to hate, why not send it along. You can email it to for consideration in next week's version. We haven't had a Hanukkah song yet. Is their one that makes you cringe and gag?

So, go forth and post your criticisms in the comments, but email your suggestions...

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Posted by James at December 17, 2008 1:10 PM
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I laughed hard at Dominick the first time I heard it, but listening to it the second time, i realize the horror of forced repeat-listening. If this were on loop at a department store, and I were forced to work there, I think I would run through the store, knocking over displays and tearing at my own ears.

Posted by: James at December 17, 2008 1:36 PM

For some reason, the player only let me hear the first 30 seconds of each song, except for the Macarena Remix, which it was willing to play in full.

But that's okay, really. 30 seconds was more than enough for the ones I wasn't already familiar with. I didn't get to hear the toy piano in "8 Days," but that's okay too.

I thought Macarena would be the worst, but if the 30 seconds of "8 Days" I heard were typical, then I hate "8 Days" a little more.

"Christmas Conga" was poorly executed and I know that it would grate on my nerves, but not as much as the other two. And although the Jessica/Nick rendition of "Cold Outside" is on the shrill side, I still found it the least annoying of the bunch. (It's the opposite of "Santa Baby" for me - I don't think I could hate any good-faith rendition of "Cold Outside.")

I liked the donkey song. I wish there was some way to overwrite every copy of the Chipmunk's Christmas song with the donkey song.

Posted by: Julie at December 17, 2008 1:54 PM

Yeah, it's doing that for me, too. Dunno why. Maybe they're trying to drive traffic to their site, or they only have permission to play excerpts now in the embedded player for some songs.

To get the full songs, click the TXSMD2 in the blue bar at the top of the player; it'll take you to the site. You really have to hear the tuneless intros to some of the songs for the full effect. Really. Bad.

Posted by: James at December 17, 2008 2:14 PM

Heh. Shoes, thongs, I always knew that little f***er was running a scam.

8 days is typical soul-less, overproduced hip-hop drek. Christmas Conga made me throw up in my mouth just a little - because the rest of it shot through my nose. Cyndi Lauper definitely has one of the ten most annoying voices in the world. Baby It's Cold Outside is a typical pop-stars-attempting-classics FAIL.

But anything based on Macarena is a crime against humanity and should be killed in the following way:

1. Soak the other three songs in gasoline.
2. Put them all in a phone booth with Christmas Macarena.
3. Toss in a lit match.

I didn't include Dominick the Donkey because, as horrible as it is, it actually deserves to live when placed against the other 4.

Posted by: Bull at December 17, 2008 4:27 PM

OMG! This is a difficult choice, they are all so VERY vile. So, maybe I'll rank the rank then starting with the least and moving to the most putrid.

6) Christmas Thong - musically this wasn't so bad, and it was actually kind of funny.
5) Christmas Conga - not great, but I didn't feel an overwhelming urge to vomit.
4) 8 Days of Christmas - I pretty much loathe Destiny's Child. Their attempt at etherial R&B is just so pablum-like. All their crap sounds the same to me.
3) Marcarena - As if the original were not bad enough...
2) Baby It's Cold Outside - Love the song; hate the execution. Whoever told these two that they could sing should be shot and then boiled in the same oil that Jessica and Nick were just dispatched in.
1) That donkey must die! The original song is annoying enough. The video is pure putrescence.

Posted by: Kitten Herder at December 17, 2008 4:35 PM

Oh my gosh, you have outdone yourself.

Those were all awful!

Posted by: Sara at December 17, 2008 7:47 PM

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